Not In Thailand?

Who knows what will become of this posting. Perhaps I will fall into that category of people I once vowed not to become a part of, those who are "bloggers" in this world.  If anything does come, I hope that it would not be so much a rambling of words, but an invitation to others to look at life with more depth and with the eyes that Papa has given each of us to see; to see more clearly today than we did yesterday, and more clearly tomorrow than we did today.

Alone, the purpose of this posting is to inform those of you who thought that I was in Thailand right now that I actually am not! I am home, in Oregon, learning to see with the eyes Papa has given me, and to trust that what I do not see, will be okay because Papa sees and holds it.

I do not feel the need to have to explain every detail around this circumstance, but I do desire to share my heart. For those of you who have known and journeyed with me over the past many years, you will know that the time has been filled with many difficult things, but also many beautiful things as well. If I was to say in few words what I have come to see, they would be this:

That beauty and brokenness almost always exist in tandem.

That this life we have been given is sacred - more sacred that we often realize.

That we have the opportunity to give gifts every moment of every day, simply by being people who believe truth in and over and for people...especially when they are unable to do so for themselves. 

That when we take our eyes off of ourselves, we have more capacity to love then we realized.

That hope, is always, always, present...If only because this very breath that you breathe is sustaining you. You will be sustained. Always. 

There is so much more that I am coming to see, but these things are enough for now. I have not been to Thailand since 2010. Before then I had spent time on five different occasions at a home for girls and boys at risk of being sold into prostitution or exploited for cheap labor (Grace Ministries). Since then I have longed to go back, but Papa's best and perfect timing was for me to be here - learning to see with truth; myself, Him, and those around me. Coming to understand Papa's best and perfect timing is humbling, and with that I have learned what it means for the heart to ache - to ache because of hurt, but also to ache with the realization that we are held tight by a Fierce Lover who is not afraid to ask us to journey into those places that we may not consider "safe". 

I am not saying that He desires us to ache with pain, but I am saying that He will ache along side us in pain. Coming to understand the Fierce Lover is life lived aching. To trust fully can be full of aching, aching with both pain and joy. However, to not trust at all is to face each day with the aching of alone-ness, the aching for what could have been, and the aching of a life without full love.

The opportunity to go back to Thailand was presented to me a couple times over the past year. Each time that it was, I think that Papa was handing the opportunity back to me simply because He delights in seeing his little daughter joyful in something she has hoped and dreamed of becoming a possibility once more. Though I am almost certain this will not be the case, I think that if for some reason I never went back to Thailand, I would be content alone to know that through this all I learned that Papa truly does delight in seeing His little children happy in these ways. This being said, I also believe that sometimes though Papa gives us these kinds of gifts, and allows opportunities to be opened once more, that it is sometimes okay to search deep within one's self and expose our true hearts.

Sometimes we hesitate to do things because of fear, so must push past the fear to do that which Papa has called us to. Other times, however, we do things out of obligation, and so must push past the fear of failing another, and even the fear of failing Papa, to see that maybe Papa has even more planned for us than we can conceive of for ourselves or from what others are telling us. This is what I came to realize the day before I was to head off to Thailand a few weeks ago, and that is why I decided not to go. 

There are so many intricate details that need not be explained here, but in short, I decided not to go because I felt I was going out of an obligation and expectation, rather than going because it was best.  Even though this is what I have decided, people will continue to give their input, and I (to be honest) continue to grapple with whether I made the right choice, but whats done has been done, and I am striving to be content in this present moment even if there is an ache that dwells within me, because this ache draws me closer to the heart of the Fierce Lover. 

I am thankful for each one of you, and that is why I have wanted to share this part of my heart with you; to inform you a little more fully about why I am here, and not in Thailand. You are given eyes to see too, and I hope that you would see Papa today. Again, seeing Him more fully even in this moment, than you did one moment before this one.